How Parenthood Changed Me

I think most people know that life will be different after children arrive. And it is. In a whole host of ways that you would surely expect. What I did not see coming was the reshaping of a very basic and universal fear.....death. I no longer worry about it in terms of what happens TO ME when I'm gone. Now it's more about what happens to THEM if I'm no longer here.

What's more, it recently dawned on me that my children will one day pass on (shudder). Hopefully, it will be after a long, fulfilling, love-filled life. One day, my baby Ethan will be a grandfather, maybe even a great-grandfather. And McKenna. What type of elderly lady will she be? Will those dimples of hers be her trade mark despite the inevitable wrinkles and lines? How will my children remember me when they reach their twilight? Will they know even then that they were loved beyond words? Will McKenna reminisce with her big brother and ask him if he remembers all those years ago when their mommy would rock them to sleep and tell them that she loved them "to the moon, to the stars and back again"?

Sometimes I watch elderly people and wonder what they were like as children. When my mother-in-law laughs, I see a cheerful, strawberry blond girl-- circa 1933. She twirls in the small backyard of her family's modest Chicago home on a humid summer afternoon. She dreams of what her life will be like someday. And she dismisses this passing thought as her milkman father greets his little girl at the end of a hard day. He pats her on her head, straightens her bow, and asks what mother's got in store for dinner. She skips behind her Daddy as they enter the house. The year 2007 is as knowable to this social, happy child as the planet Mars.




In an instant, I'm in the here and now. I remind myself how precious and fragile life is. And fleeting. I tuck my fears away and rejoin the moment--whatever that moment may be. Later, when left with my thoughts in the remnants of a chaotic day, I think of how different I am from a short six years ago. And on occasion, very rarely, the weight of that change saddens me. But I suspect that it also makes me a far more reflective, grounded parent.

The enormity of raising children becomes apparent in small, simple revelations that are difficult to convey to those who have not experienced the endeavor. And some may wonder why anyone would willingly put themselves through all of the heartache, the fear, the worry. They may wonder is it worth it?

Absolutely.

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Post Script: We lost our beloved Millie in March, 2008 after a protracted, difficult illness. She was the quintessential mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, and friend. She will always be my inspiration.

Mommy Envy

I recently received an email from a fellow mommy whom I like and genuinely admire. For the sake of her anonymity, I won't go into the particulars about her except to say that she and her husband are dedicated, loving parents who make their children their number one priority. In the e-mail, mommy X expressed that she felt just a small pang of envy about one of McKenna's accomplishments. She has a daughter close to McKenna's age and both girls have experienced some similar milestone challenges.

This mommy felt like a creep. In my own excitement to share a big McKenna achievement, I made another mom feel not-so-great. And I hate that--especially when my friend pours her heart and soul into being a really good parent. Not to mention the fact that her daughter, despite some issues, is doing really well and is a shining little star in her own right.

I hope I don't give the impression that I blog to show-off. I wonder if I ought to write more about the tantrums, the back talk, the frustration. Maybe a few pics of my two darlings in a hair raising screaming match are in order. Because I don't want this to be anything like the photo albums of our parents and grandparents generations. You know the ones--where image after image reflects the way our parents wanted life to be remembered versus the way it really was. Snapshots of children in rows, in front of fireplaces, saying cheese in their Sunday best. It was the way everyone preserved memories in those days. I'm just opting for something a little more evolved. And hopefully Ethan and McKenna's tools and methods for recording their children's histories will be even more amazing.

So, without airing every bit of childhood laundry, I'll try to throw in the not-so-good with the great a little more often. Because raising children, while the best job in the world, is filled with more ups and downs than I can shake a stick at. And we mommies, well, we're in this thing together. We should be anyway.

By the way mommy X. Your little girl is doing great. The other kidlet too for that matter. And I marvel at your perseverance and dedication. I learn from you every time we're together.

Mind Clutter

On any given day, I often feel like there are just too many decisions to make. I'm not just referring to the biggees in life, although those certainly tax the peace of one's soul from time to time. I'm talking about the day-to-day quandaries that fill up what little space is left in this tightly packed noggin of mine. And I'm not just yacking about whether to use a dryer sheet or liquid fabric softener. Or white versus wheat. My ax-to-grind has more to do with the seemingly benign, ostensibly inane options that will determine the fate of life as we know it for generations to come. Or so we're told anyway.

Am I nuts or does anyone else worry about whether one should use paper towels or, as Janie used to say, a tea towel? You know, of the good old fashioned cloth variety. We're told that our kitchens will be festering, bacteria ridden cesspools if we use anything but disposable paper products on our counter tops, handles, etc. One the other hand, the Green crowd tells us that paper towels are waste of precious resources and cloth does the trick. I used to think about this all of the time when the kids were in diapers. Was I irresponsible and lazy for using disposables? Or was I being practical and realistic?

Anti-bacterial everything or plain old soap? Some day care centers will not use antibacterial hand cleaners and cleaning products. The thought here is that bacteria become resistant to the germicide and can actually mutate into stronger, more potent little buggers. Makes sense to me, sort of. Why then do hospitals use antibacterial hand solution like it's going out of style? Aren't hospitals bastions of medical science and knowledge? Wouldn't a hospital know a thing or two about efficiently killing germs? Hmmmm.

And there's more. Lots more in fact.

Some video gaming for kids vs. none at all

Analgesics to reduce mild fever vs. using nothing and allowing the body to heat up and kill the virus and/or bacteria (this is actually the purpose of a fever). An ER doc once told me that by giving my child Motrin for a fever, I was sabotaging the body's way of killing an intruder. My child's pediatrician, on the other hand, said that while he was technically correct, the reality is that Motrin/Tylenol make your kids feel a lot better and that is an overriding priority. But still...I think about it.

Antibiotics or allowing the passage of time to work it's magic? I can tell you that I wasn't on half of the stuff that my kids now take. Perhaps I should have been a time or two. But do I over medicate my kids in an attempt to control every physical malady that comes their way? Or am I just thorough?

Sugar vs. sugar free

Commercial TV or PBS?

Scheduled Activities vs. Free Time. My guess is that both parents think my children are over scheduled. I might agree. The problem is if you decide to de-schedule your kids, they're gonna be playing alone because all of the other kids are busy at their appointed activities.

SUV or Minivan?

Light bulbs or those new spiral things that look suspiciously florescent to me?

Milk or no milk. My sister-in-law drinks the stuff by the gallons and gives an equal amount to her kids. But PETA and even some less radical groups would have you believe that all of this milk is turning our 8-year daughters into curvy, mini women. Hormones apparently. In the milk, that is. Or is that propaganda?

I could go on and on. My wheels spin with this stuff all day.

One day, maybe I'll just have the confidence (some might call it hubris) to say, "This is what I'm doing and I know it's the right decision". Don't get me wrong--there are some key issues on which I do not waiver. But there are an equal amount that have me sitting on the fence. The mental fence that is. And this head of mine needs a little freed up space. Do they have a TLC organization team for the mind? How about a Discovery Channel feature on thought hoarding?

A reality show in the making.

My Baby Girl...Nearly Three

As I helped her change into her PJs tonight, it occurred to me that I can remember back to nearly the age that she is now. Just barely. It really hit home that one of my most important roles is to create the best possible memories for her. And to prevent the really, really bad ones whenever humanly possible. 'Cause the bad ones--well, they just don't ever go away. They become manageable, tolerable. But the most beautiful day can be marred by a triggering photograph, an odor, a song. A blistering distraction from all that is beautiful, well, and good.

What that means for me, now, is that self-fulfillment, exploration, discovery--well, they're just nothing compared to the safety and protection of both of my children. If that means a few coveted accomplishments become placeholders on the proverbial back burner--so be it. If it means that I'm not the friend I should be or the multi-tasker I ought to be--oh well.

As I snuggled with McKenna this evening, I promised her that this mommy will always have her back. And Ethan's too.

No matter what.

I'm Wiped Out!

Love that toothless smile Gracie!

Grace, Caitlin, and McKenna (and Gus, of course)

Caitlin and McKenna - Goin' for the gusto on those cookies!

Ethan,Grace,McKenna,Paulie,and Caitlin - Simon Says

Not a lot to say...Very tired after the whirl wind of a family visit. My house is beyond a bomb. Just wanted to post a few new pics of my two humans. It's really just kinda crazy...I just love these two little shrimps. McKenna is talking more every day and Ethan is becoming such a big boy. Cousin Grace is having a sleepover with Ethan and he is in HEAVEN. He gets to keep Gus the Guinea Pig (from his school) until next Wednesday. Bonus.

McKenna is still convinced that Gus' name is "Teamwork" from the Wonder Pets. Speaking of that, I cannot get that theme song out of my head:

Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets

we're on our way
to help a baby animal
and save the day
we're not too big
and we're not too tough
but when we work together
we've got the right stuff!
Go Wonder Pets, yeah!

You would think that after a year of almost no blogging that I would have something more prophetic or deep or inspirational to type. Sorry--not tonight.

As Good As It Gets

Ah, life goes on. After all the college and the resumes and the career and the marriage and the travel...let's face it--I'm a housewife. OK...homemaker. My children and my husband are my life. It's not a bad deal all in all. I just can't complain when it comes down to it.

Ethan's vocabulary is exploding and he's actually quite articulate about some things. And opinions...he's just full of them. McKenna contnues to be easy easy and oh so content. Jim works hard, travels every few weeks, and I take the helm at 1839. It's not perfect around here but it's very good. And loving. I thank God that I was blessed with my family and that my choices continue to be good ones. I don't know if I will have anything profound to share but oh well. I guess if nothing else, I want my children to understand that there is happiness and contentment in the world. I hope that they will see that Mom loved them to the moon and to the stars and back again. They will know what it means to have an opinion and to share it when it's appropriate. And they will know that it's OK to have a point of view that is authentic and unique. So here goes!

Not Desperate

A housewife...but not desperate! Not yet, anyway.

So much to do. It's 11:30 at night and as usual, I'm behind the proverbial eight ball. Back from Bahamas and I need a vacation from my vacation. Buried in laundry, house stuff everywhere, paper work piled up. And what am I doing? Starting a blog. For the second time. This blog business is very appealing to me. I've put it off because I don't know where to start or I question whether I really have anything to say that's worthy of the time and the effort. Deep down, I know that Janie's girl is dying to let it out and even if not one living soul reads this dribble, I'll be better off for putting the words out there.